Paddy Upton
In many environments — sport, leadership, and life — there’s a quiet tension around the idea of being a “good person.”
Some people interpret that as keeping everyone happy. Avoiding conflict. Adjusting their behaviour so that no one feels uncomfortable. Others move in the opposite direction, prioritising their own needs with little consideration for how their actions affect those around them.
Both sit on the same spectrum.
At one end is selfishness. At the other is people pleasing.
Most of us move somewhere between the two.
The challenge is that this balance rarely announces itself clearly. Situations change. Relationships differ. Pressures increase or decrease. The line we walk between respecting others and respecting ourselves shifts constantly.
What tends to guide that balance most reliably is clarity around values.
When someone understands what matters to them — what they stand for, what they’re prepared to protect, and where their boundaries lie — behaviour becomes steadier. They don’t need to constantly adjust themselves to suit everyone in the room, but they also don’t move through situations carelessly.
Values create a reference point.
In team environments, this becomes particularly important. Leaders who try to keep everyone happy often find themselves avoiding difficult conversations. Standards soften. Decisions become delayed. Harmony appears to exist on the surface, but performance quietly drifts.
On the other hand, leaders who push forward without regard for others can damage trust just as quickly.
The space between those two extremes requires awareness. It requires the ability to hold a boundary while still treating people with respect.
That balance is rarely perfect.
There will be moments where we lean too far toward pleasing others. Moments where we protect our own position more strongly than necessary. Most people experience both from time to time.
The aim isn’t perfection. The aim is intention.
When behaviour is guided by values rather than by the immediate desire to avoid discomfort, it becomes easier to navigate that middle space. Difficult conversations still happen. Boundaries still exist. But the intention behind them remains steady.
Over time, people around us begin to understand where we stand.
Not because we try to convince them.
But because our behaviour becomes consistent enough that the line we walk between selfishness and people pleasing becomes clearer — both to them and to ourselves.
Paddy Upton is a renowned mental coach, leadership consultant, and former high-performance coach to elite international athletes. With a background in sport psychology and years of experience working with top cricket teams, he now helps individuals and organisations unlock their full potential through talks, workshops, and his unique A-Game methodology.
